Yo-Yo

I'm not doing a Yo-Yo diet but, I keep loosing a couple pounds than gaining it back. I actually think I'm self sabataging. I'll do really good for 3-4 days, then I eat everything in sight. The babysitting has been going well. I'm enjoying the structure and more kids in my home. My sons are usually doing pretty good with it. Logan, has his days where he needs tons of attention and it is hard to hold him and keep up with 3-4 other kids. I do it, but by the end of the day, I am happy to hand him off to daddy after those needy days. Jack goes back and forth between being happy to have friends around to not wanting them to play with his toys- so he is still adjusting. Food wise, I've been trying to make somewhat healthy meals for the kids for lunch. I've been including a protein, fruit or veggie, and sometimes a starch. Yesturday they had turkey, green beans, and peaches- mostly peaches. Then snacks weren't as healthy yesturday- animal crackers and apples in the morning, gold fish in the afternoon, and both gold fish and animal crackers as a late afternoon nap. I ate cupcakes for breakfast-2, green beans for lunch, a couple animal crackers, and chili for dinner and no night time snacks- yet- this is the time I like to eat everything in the kitchen. On Sunday, I made a bad decision for weight loss and brought tons of cupcakes home and ate all but 4 of them:(

So, I gained again. I really need to buckle down. I started babysitting full-time last Thurs- that should really help with weight loss because I'll be busy and eating with the kids and no meals out- less meals out. I'm sure why this is so hard this time. I'm really having a hard time following though on my plans for weight loss. I have done better drinking water- and I thought I was doing better with potions, but I guess not- the scale tells how well I do...
So, my plan this week be more aware of what I'm eating- I am going to write down what I eat this week- that should help me realize what am eating.

Speaking of forming good habits...

...I've completely forgotten my day TWO weeks in a row now and am going to post on Sheri's day just so I can catch up a bit. Sorry, Sheri!

Anyway, these past two weeks, I've come to learn a few things. #1 - I really did lose most of my brain when I had children. #2 - It's NEVER coming back! #3 - I need to slow down...a TON. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I try to multi-task, but without writing things down, I forget half of what I was planning to do. I finished 95% of my shopping before December even came upon us and I was so proud of myself and thought I'd have so much time to do whatever I wanted. WRONG! I'm even busier now. And most of it has nothing to do with Advent or Christmas. So, while completely stressed out, I was still holding my weight...losing a small amount.

Then this week came. My husband went down South for a business conference for the week, so I decided to pack up the boys and visit a dear friend of mine about 5 hours away. I had not seen her for almost 2 1/2 years and she is one of my closest friends that I have. We met in college and instantly were best of friends. She has two beautiful children around my boys' ages, so it was perfect! Those few days with her were exactly what I needed! We did nothing but sit around and chat and watch our children play. It was then, along with some great spiritual reading, that I realized what I've been missing in this season of joy and peace. I was missing simplicity. I was missing time taken to enjoy the present. And once I slowed down, I was no longer stressed out. So, I vowed to keep that going. And that is part of what I've decided will be my New Year's Resolution. Once I take time to breathe, I will be a happier and healthier person overall. And I got to workout twice!

So it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be

So yesterday we went to the mall because I really needed to get a pair of jeans and I have been putting this off for the longest time. The biggest issue I have had since losing weight and having my kids is finding pants that fit around my legs and thighs the right way. If I get pants that fit my waist they are too tight around my legs and if I get pants to fit around my legs they are baggy around the waist. A lot of it is the fact that I need to have skin removed from my whole body but I dont have the money for that.
After not having luck at certain stores I ended up having to go into Lane Bryant because they advertise having this system that is suppose to make jeans fit you better. While in Lane Bryant I had a mini breakdown while talking to the boyfriend because I told myself when I was losing weight that I never wanted to end back up in Lane Bryant because I shopped there at my heaviest. But I sucked it all up and I got these 2 really nice girls working at the store that helped me. The jeans that I did grab at first ended up being too big for me and the girls told me that I was crazy and putting myself in too big of clothes and making myself look bigger then I was. They ended up grabbing jeans for me and I found a pair that I was happy with. I ended up fitting into a smaller size then I was giving myself credit for and their so called system did have me in jeans that made me feel better.
On a positive note I am down 3 pounds from my weigh in last week. I just need too stay more aware of what im eating and drinking more water.

Weight Gain

I didn't know what to write last week, because I was very disappointed in myself. So, I procrastinated... So last week I gained 3 pounds which brings me to my original weight. This week I lost 2.2 pounds-a little better. I did well with eating at home 2 weeks ago- not necessarily healthy always. This last week, I just tried to watch portions. Next week-- I am going to commit to drinking water. I shouldn't be having that hard of a time staying on track. Things are going well. I also want to add a veggie to every lunch and dinner. I just need to remind myself I will feel better and be happier if I loose weight. So, here goes another week.

I Am Not Even Sure Where to Begin

Emotional eater?  That's me...to a T.  I never realized this before starting to stay home with my daughter almost three years ago.  Before that I was always working and therefore, during the day, had a very regimented schedule with breaks, lunch hours, etc.  Since I rarely ate out, I was preparing my lunch the night before, etc and prepared relatively healthy items, and I just did not really have the time to emotionally eat at work.  So, since being home with my daughter and having a less rigid schedule and free reign with food, I have come to realize the truth - that my major, major issue is emotionally eating.  I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, stressed, angry - you name it.  The worst though is most definitely when I am stressed for any reason.  I most certainly find comfort in food and especially carbs and/or sweets. Now, what do I do with this exactly?  That is what I am desperately trying to figure out.  I had the idea recently to come up with a list of things that I could do when I feel the desire to emotionally eat - things to do that would occupy my time until the temptation passed, etc.  The problem is that being a mom of an almost 3 year old, finding time to do a "hobby" is kind of difficult, but that is the one thing that I figured would really work.  So, I know there has to be something I can do to occupy my time - something I enjoy.  I just need to figure it out.  So, that needs to be my goal.  Uh oh, I just wrote it on a blog for all to read so I guess I best be getting on that, huh?  :D

Well, that brings me to the fact that this past little bit has been a whee bit stressful, and yes, I have drowned my sorrows and issues in food.  Ugh!!  My husband, Hannah and I drove from Chicago to Virginia last week to visit my family.  My husband had to drive back a couple of days ago to get back to work.  My daughter and I will be flying back next week.  My parents, who are currently living in Italy for work, came in for a visit for the holidays which is what brought us here.  My sister, brother in law and niece all live here in Virginia.  My daughter will be 3 years old in February, and her cousin, my niece, will be 2 years old in March so they are almost a full year apart in age.  The stress I have been dealing with has been the fact that my daughter acts out a lot while here because she sees my niece being babied a lot and given tons of attention.  It breaks my heart for my little girl if you can understand that.  I don't want her to think for one second that she plays second fiddle to anyone.  I want her to feel so loved and comfortable in her own skin.  I just wish I could protect her little feelings forever and ever.  I know what she is doing is totally normal and age appropriate, etc, but I stress because I feel like maybe my family (though I am sure they don't) thinks she is being "bad" or they get annoyed with her, etc.  She regresses while she is here, copies the younger niece by whining and crying because she sees the younger one getting the attention for it so she figures she will try it, too.  Problem is that no one finds that okay since she is a year older.  It is just rather heart breaking really.  I know she is loved to pieces.  My stress is dealing with all the time outs, etc that have to go on because she is acting out, etc and also the stress of knowing that somehow she feels a bit unloved or less loved which is making her act this way.  So, I am drowning my stress in food.  And again I say ugh....  

On a positive note I did realize that in just a bit over two months we will be going as a family to Disney World.  So, I realized what an amazing time to set a goal which may kickstart me back into gear.  I will figure out what that realistic goal will be and let you all know.  My daughter and I come back home on Wednesday.  We are having fun visiting with family and hopefully more fun will be had, but at the same time, I am excited to get back into our routine and enjoy the holidays in beautiful Chicago.  Also, I am excited to get my little girl back.  ;)  

One last thing....you may have heard, but if you have not....there is a boycott going on against Ralph Lauren.  Being a woman who has had self esteem/body image issues for some time and now being the mother of a precious little girl, the issue of promoting healthy body images in little girls and the definition of TRUE beauty has become my major soapbox.  Ralph Lauren has been one of the worst at distorting the definition of beauty in women and crippling millions of girls' and womens' self esteems.  Please go to the Facebook page for ATB Action Network Boycott Ralph Lauren to join the group and to learn more about this important cause.  Ralph Lauren is sold at numerous places including the CHAPS label that is super popular at Kohls.  Stop giving your hard earned money to this man until he learns what he is doing to our daughters.  Thanks for listening and standing up for TRUE beauty.  <3

Blah

So I know im a day late writing but things have been a little crazy for me and by the time I got my son to sleep last night I was really tired so I went to bed. These past few days with my toddler daughter have been crazy and im just at the point where I want to cry. It all started on Monday when I went to go put my son down for a nap in her old crib which she hasnt slept in in 5 months. I put him down and she started throwing the biggest fit she has had in a long time because that was her crib and the baby couldnt sleep there. So since then she has wanted to nap and sleep in her crib. The only thing is she will fall asleep in the crib and then wake up screaming and crying to go into her toddler bed. Then the other day she managed to climb onto her dresser from the crib and she knocked over the lamp and broke it. The littlest things also seem to be setting her off and becoming a bigger issue then they really are. Like this morning she dropped a little bit of yogurt on her pj's and of coarse she started freaking out about it. Needless to say im just really tired.

As far as the weight thing goes I havent been doing as good as I would like. The stress I have been feeling lately havent been helping with my eating. The stress just triggers my mind to want to eat. I hate to say it but I feel like when im in a stressful moment the food becomes like a drug and soothes my nerves. The sad thing is healthy food doesnt help its all about eating the junk food especially candy. Growing up as a fat girl has really left me with some bad habits that I have had a hard time breaking. Giving in makes me feel like a failure. Right now that is my biggest feeling - FAILURE. I feel like a failure at being a mom right now and a really big failure at this weight thing.

On a side note I watched The Biggest Loser finale and I couldnt believe how good Danny looked. He lost 239 pound and just looked amazing. I felt really good for him. He took everything he learned and just ran with it and did an amazing job.

Happy birthday (And cake and icecream and ...)

My younger son turned one today! I can hardly believe how time flies...and then, the depressing thought of how I'm still NOT back to my pre-pregnancy weight (from him, not all the way back to the beginning) even though an entire year has passed.

A week and a half ago, I decided that I was going to set a high goal for myself for this time of year. Yes, along with birthdays dispersed throughout the holiday season (aka. Thanksgiving thru New Year's), I am set on the road to losing weight amongst all the candy, cookies, hot chocolate, and overly delightful meals that will be set before me. I have parties to attend and baking to do and I am setting this goal. I will lose TEN pounds by New Year's. Why, you ask? Because it's time to stop making excuses for myself. I'm sure I've said this before, but I am very much an overeater. I don't label myself as an emotional eater (although that happens from time to time) but I just over do it when I see good food in front of me. I used to make the excuse that I'm a breastfeeding mama, so I need those extra calories. Haha. Was that a joke! I am training myself to say "no" and to eat all in moderation. Good foods will be around after this meal, so I don't need to act as if this is my last meal. And even if it would be my last meal, I am sure that once I'm dead, I'm not going to care.

With this goal, I'm 3 lbs in! Seven heavy pounds to go, but I am proud of myself. I am weighing an all-time low since having Mark. I've lost 5 1/2 pounds total since I started this weightloss group and I know I can do it! Next goal: EXERCISE more!!! It's so easy to not go to the gym because that requires so much coordination and getting myself out the door in this (brrr!) cold. I can do it. I know I can!

Plus, I am a bridesmaid in two weddings this summer, so I want to look my best :).

Im not at a good point

These past few weeks have a been a real test on me and I must say that I failed. That is really hard for me to admit especially to other people. Things at home with the boyfriend are holding on by a thread and a lot of issues came up that need to be worked on but I dont know and I feel like all I can do is just throw my hands up in the air and scream. So needless to say that has triggered a lot of unhealthy eating in me. Stress and emotional eating has gotten the best of me. I stepped on the scale and I just wanted to cry. I really know that I have to step up my game on losing weight and eating healthy because when I see the numbers go higher on the scale it just reminds me of being 314 pounds again and I cant be that person again. I need to refocus on losing 30 pounds and going from there. I am planning on losing at least 2 pounds by next weeks check in.