Wow, the holidays are now officially behind us, and I don't even know where they went.  I went into this holiday season thinking that I wanted it to be simple, free of unnecessary stress and just a really enjoyable, relaxing holiday season with my family.  Well, that changed really quickly and ended up totally opposite of what I was setting out for.  My husband ended up with some unexpected time off so we took an impromptu trip to Virginia to see my family.  My daughter and I were gone for almost two weeks.  By the time we got home to Illinois, it was already December 15th with only 10 days until Christmas!  :O  Then, both my daughter and myself came down with a real doozy of a cold with a horrible cough, etc.  We were finally starting to feel halfway normal come Christmas day.  Needless to say, I feel like I need a "do over" for the holidays, and needless to say, there was quite a bit of comfort food to be had around here with all that going on.  Ugh....

So, today we are at what I consider the first REAL day of the year since this is the Monday following the long New Year weekend.  I have started off the day well and plan to keep it that way.  I started off the morning eating one cup of Fiber One Caramel Delight cereal topped with a banana and fat free milk.  Oh, and of course, two cups of coffee with Splenda and Sugar Free French Vanilla creamer.  Hopefully the rest of the day will go just as well.  

My big goal right now is to do this for myself.  I have learned over the years that for whatever reason I am most successful when I try to do this on my own. That, of course, goes against what 80% of the rest of the world does.  I don't really totally understand.  It is like when I set out with others to do this and rely on them for my support, for my energy and stamina, I inevitably fall when they fall, etc not to mention that I seem to kind of sabotage myself. It is like I am so afraid of failure in front of my friends or others that I sabotage myself and don't even hardly try.  I have been successful with this before. I have lost several times on Weight Watchers - the most successful was a loss of 40 lbs in 2001/2002.  That was a time when I made up my mind on my own that I was going to do it, and I forged along on my own without anyone else doing it with me.  I was able to find my drive for myself and just go for it.  I have to do that again since that seems to be the only time I am successful.  So, that is my goal.  Let's see if I can do it.  I think I can.  I am off to a good start today, at least, right.  ;)  

Well, I am off to take my almost 3 year old to a doctor's appointment.  Let the madness begin......

Yo-Yo

I'm not doing a Yo-Yo diet but, I keep loosing a couple pounds than gaining it back. I actually think I'm self sabataging. I'll do really good for 3-4 days, then I eat everything in sight. The babysitting has been going well. I'm enjoying the structure and more kids in my home. My sons are usually doing pretty good with it. Logan, has his days where he needs tons of attention and it is hard to hold him and keep up with 3-4 other kids. I do it, but by the end of the day, I am happy to hand him off to daddy after those needy days. Jack goes back and forth between being happy to have friends around to not wanting them to play with his toys- so he is still adjusting. Food wise, I've been trying to make somewhat healthy meals for the kids for lunch. I've been including a protein, fruit or veggie, and sometimes a starch. Yesturday they had turkey, green beans, and peaches- mostly peaches. Then snacks weren't as healthy yesturday- animal crackers and apples in the morning, gold fish in the afternoon, and both gold fish and animal crackers as a late afternoon nap. I ate cupcakes for breakfast-2, green beans for lunch, a couple animal crackers, and chili for dinner and no night time snacks- yet- this is the time I like to eat everything in the kitchen. On Sunday, I made a bad decision for weight loss and brought tons of cupcakes home and ate all but 4 of them:(

So, I gained again. I really need to buckle down. I started babysitting full-time last Thurs- that should really help with weight loss because I'll be busy and eating with the kids and no meals out- less meals out. I'm sure why this is so hard this time. I'm really having a hard time following though on my plans for weight loss. I have done better drinking water- and I thought I was doing better with potions, but I guess not- the scale tells how well I do...
So, my plan this week be more aware of what I'm eating- I am going to write down what I eat this week- that should help me realize what am eating.

Speaking of forming good habits...

...I've completely forgotten my day TWO weeks in a row now and am going to post on Sheri's day just so I can catch up a bit. Sorry, Sheri!

Anyway, these past two weeks, I've come to learn a few things. #1 - I really did lose most of my brain when I had children. #2 - It's NEVER coming back! #3 - I need to slow down...a TON. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I try to multi-task, but without writing things down, I forget half of what I was planning to do. I finished 95% of my shopping before December even came upon us and I was so proud of myself and thought I'd have so much time to do whatever I wanted. WRONG! I'm even busier now. And most of it has nothing to do with Advent or Christmas. So, while completely stressed out, I was still holding my weight...losing a small amount.

Then this week came. My husband went down South for a business conference for the week, so I decided to pack up the boys and visit a dear friend of mine about 5 hours away. I had not seen her for almost 2 1/2 years and she is one of my closest friends that I have. We met in college and instantly were best of friends. She has two beautiful children around my boys' ages, so it was perfect! Those few days with her were exactly what I needed! We did nothing but sit around and chat and watch our children play. It was then, along with some great spiritual reading, that I realized what I've been missing in this season of joy and peace. I was missing simplicity. I was missing time taken to enjoy the present. And once I slowed down, I was no longer stressed out. So, I vowed to keep that going. And that is part of what I've decided will be my New Year's Resolution. Once I take time to breathe, I will be a happier and healthier person overall. And I got to workout twice!

So it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be

So yesterday we went to the mall because I really needed to get a pair of jeans and I have been putting this off for the longest time. The biggest issue I have had since losing weight and having my kids is finding pants that fit around my legs and thighs the right way. If I get pants that fit my waist they are too tight around my legs and if I get pants to fit around my legs they are baggy around the waist. A lot of it is the fact that I need to have skin removed from my whole body but I dont have the money for that.
After not having luck at certain stores I ended up having to go into Lane Bryant because they advertise having this system that is suppose to make jeans fit you better. While in Lane Bryant I had a mini breakdown while talking to the boyfriend because I told myself when I was losing weight that I never wanted to end back up in Lane Bryant because I shopped there at my heaviest. But I sucked it all up and I got these 2 really nice girls working at the store that helped me. The jeans that I did grab at first ended up being too big for me and the girls told me that I was crazy and putting myself in too big of clothes and making myself look bigger then I was. They ended up grabbing jeans for me and I found a pair that I was happy with. I ended up fitting into a smaller size then I was giving myself credit for and their so called system did have me in jeans that made me feel better.
On a positive note I am down 3 pounds from my weigh in last week. I just need too stay more aware of what im eating and drinking more water.

Weight Gain

I didn't know what to write last week, because I was very disappointed in myself. So, I procrastinated... So last week I gained 3 pounds which brings me to my original weight. This week I lost 2.2 pounds-a little better. I did well with eating at home 2 weeks ago- not necessarily healthy always. This last week, I just tried to watch portions. Next week-- I am going to commit to drinking water. I shouldn't be having that hard of a time staying on track. Things are going well. I also want to add a veggie to every lunch and dinner. I just need to remind myself I will feel better and be happier if I loose weight. So, here goes another week.

I Am Not Even Sure Where to Begin

Emotional eater?  That's me...to a T.  I never realized this before starting to stay home with my daughter almost three years ago.  Before that I was always working and therefore, during the day, had a very regimented schedule with breaks, lunch hours, etc.  Since I rarely ate out, I was preparing my lunch the night before, etc and prepared relatively healthy items, and I just did not really have the time to emotionally eat at work.  So, since being home with my daughter and having a less rigid schedule and free reign with food, I have come to realize the truth - that my major, major issue is emotionally eating.  I eat when I am happy, sad, bored, stressed, angry - you name it.  The worst though is most definitely when I am stressed for any reason.  I most certainly find comfort in food and especially carbs and/or sweets. Now, what do I do with this exactly?  That is what I am desperately trying to figure out.  I had the idea recently to come up with a list of things that I could do when I feel the desire to emotionally eat - things to do that would occupy my time until the temptation passed, etc.  The problem is that being a mom of an almost 3 year old, finding time to do a "hobby" is kind of difficult, but that is the one thing that I figured would really work.  So, I know there has to be something I can do to occupy my time - something I enjoy.  I just need to figure it out.  So, that needs to be my goal.  Uh oh, I just wrote it on a blog for all to read so I guess I best be getting on that, huh?  :D

Well, that brings me to the fact that this past little bit has been a whee bit stressful, and yes, I have drowned my sorrows and issues in food.  Ugh!!  My husband, Hannah and I drove from Chicago to Virginia last week to visit my family.  My husband had to drive back a couple of days ago to get back to work.  My daughter and I will be flying back next week.  My parents, who are currently living in Italy for work, came in for a visit for the holidays which is what brought us here.  My sister, brother in law and niece all live here in Virginia.  My daughter will be 3 years old in February, and her cousin, my niece, will be 2 years old in March so they are almost a full year apart in age.  The stress I have been dealing with has been the fact that my daughter acts out a lot while here because she sees my niece being babied a lot and given tons of attention.  It breaks my heart for my little girl if you can understand that.  I don't want her to think for one second that she plays second fiddle to anyone.  I want her to feel so loved and comfortable in her own skin.  I just wish I could protect her little feelings forever and ever.  I know what she is doing is totally normal and age appropriate, etc, but I stress because I feel like maybe my family (though I am sure they don't) thinks she is being "bad" or they get annoyed with her, etc.  She regresses while she is here, copies the younger niece by whining and crying because she sees the younger one getting the attention for it so she figures she will try it, too.  Problem is that no one finds that okay since she is a year older.  It is just rather heart breaking really.  I know she is loved to pieces.  My stress is dealing with all the time outs, etc that have to go on because she is acting out, etc and also the stress of knowing that somehow she feels a bit unloved or less loved which is making her act this way.  So, I am drowning my stress in food.  And again I say ugh....  

On a positive note I did realize that in just a bit over two months we will be going as a family to Disney World.  So, I realized what an amazing time to set a goal which may kickstart me back into gear.  I will figure out what that realistic goal will be and let you all know.  My daughter and I come back home on Wednesday.  We are having fun visiting with family and hopefully more fun will be had, but at the same time, I am excited to get back into our routine and enjoy the holidays in beautiful Chicago.  Also, I am excited to get my little girl back.  ;)  

One last thing....you may have heard, but if you have not....there is a boycott going on against Ralph Lauren.  Being a woman who has had self esteem/body image issues for some time and now being the mother of a precious little girl, the issue of promoting healthy body images in little girls and the definition of TRUE beauty has become my major soapbox.  Ralph Lauren has been one of the worst at distorting the definition of beauty in women and crippling millions of girls' and womens' self esteems.  Please go to the Facebook page for ATB Action Network Boycott Ralph Lauren to join the group and to learn more about this important cause.  Ralph Lauren is sold at numerous places including the CHAPS label that is super popular at Kohls.  Stop giving your hard earned money to this man until he learns what he is doing to our daughters.  Thanks for listening and standing up for TRUE beauty.  <3